Letter to My Father

Dear Troy,

Yesterday was my 39th birthday and I found myself thinking about you all day.

It started out around 5 am. I woke up and started telling Miriam - you might remember her from that one time you met - that I was really missing you on my birthday.

It's funny because I really don't think you were ever around on any of my birthdays when you were alive, but I still found myself wishing you were here.

I am still heartbroken from losing you. I can't deny it anymore. It's been 5 years since you went back to Creator and there's still a pit in my stomach. I know wishes are pointless but I had so much hope that we were reconnecting as friends in my adult life, and that I could help you heal from the wounds you suffered as a child.

I'm mad too. I'm mad that our family can't even talk about the past and make an effort to heal the wounds for the future generations. I have had to make peace with the fact that I will likely never learn about what exactly you went through as a child, and why you used drugs to cope/escape.

But I've decided my life will be a vessel for healing and transmuting my own pain caused by your absence. And through that, I am hoping I can send the healing back through the Broze family lineage so that the cycle will not continue.

I am thankful for the times you were around. I still remember when you bought me that Metallica cassette tape. I listened to it everyday because I felt closer to you.

I am also grateful I made the effort to visit you at the halfway house in Houston.

I wish you could see what I am doing now. I never thought I wanted/needed approval from you, or any other male figure in my life, but I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that I wanted to hear you say that you were proud of me.

I know we will be reunited. You, me, and Granny will be together again soon.

I know you are with me always but it felt necessary to write this to you. I hope you are feeling so much better and all your pain has been healed.

I love you Dad.